In moments of crisis, trauma, and change, life holds up a difficult and important mirror. If our hearts are in a harsh, self-critical place, we may be stunned, shocked and horrified by what we see - a human being so far from the image we were carrying of ourselves in our minds. We see our double chins and dimply thighs, our bad haircuts and pimples, our skinny legs and furry eyebrows. It’s a snapshot we weren’t prepared for, a camera we didn’t notice, in the poor lighting of the DMV or a dingy dorm hallway.
The challenge - ALWAYS - is to bring the love of the Savior into that mirror. To remember Him, His Spirit, and to see ourselves through His eyes - as human beings, exactly as our Heavenly Parents made us. As children who are not as big as we thought we were. There is no shame in that. There is only love and encouragement. In these moments, I think the Lord is saying, “See? Look at what we’ve done! Look at what we will be able to do! Aren’t you marvelous? Aren’t you coming along nicely? Aren’t we proud?” Because they are. And so are all the people who love and support us. And we are beautiful, and the awkward pieces DO lend character, and those furry eyebrows are even on trend this year, which is truly as ridiculous a concept as it sounds in this context.
In chapter 14 of the book of Exodus, the people of Israel are in an impossible spot. They have fled slavery, but Pharaoh is not letting them go easily. Behind them is pain, but pain they understand. And now, in verse 10, they see the pain coming after them, ready to take them back into its clutches. And before them, in the darkness, the moon glints on the waters of the Red Sea, an impassable expanse. And they are afraid. Because they are sure that they will die in this place, one way or the other. They will perish bodily in the wilderness trying to fight for freedom, or they will be dragged back into suffering and death by Pharaoh. They cannot see a way forward, but they are desperate to do something. So what does Moses, their prophet, tell them to do? Fear not. Stand still. See the salvation of the Lord. This pain will soon be far behind you. And then this verse, one of my touchstones:
14 The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.
I have spent a lot of time and energy fighting and battling against my own weaknesses and pains, and battling and fighting against the weaknesses and pains of others. I have worn myself out trying to be righteous or good enough to save myself and others.
But I have now come to see myself as blessed when I encounter an impassable expanse. When I can no longer put on a brave face in front of what scares me. When I must acknowledge and admit how small and incapable I am. It is in these moments that I can truly let the Lord do His work in me - where I can let Him speak peace to my soul because I no longer have to offer up an answer or a suggestion or throw a measly punch. In those moments, I truly have the only worthwhile thing left to offer - a broken heart.
All I can do is be still, let this moment of pain pass through me, watch the Lord and his faithful ally, Time, do the work of healing. When I fight, I am fighting against myself. When I surrender, when I allow myself to collapse and let Him tend to me, when I see that all I hold is one little piece of the infinite patchwork of human life, I can begin again to take one step at a time, forward into the dark and glinting sea. The impassable recedes, the slurping muck begins to dry, and I step ever more sure footed, with the awareness that the path is not mine to make, but His. He tells us not to fear, but He knows we will. He is asking us not to let our fear keep us trapped, not to let our fear tell us that we have no choices. He wants us to open our eyes and see Him there, see what His work can be, if we let Him do it. And He is asking us to take a step. And another. And another.
Time, good or bad, will pass. The children of Israel were not walking into peace and ease and contentment - far from it. But they were stepping into a place of growth, where God could teach them and they could build a better world. Which they did, and still do, through a series of mistakes and failings and trials and wrestles and wars and loves and successes and beauties and prosperities and droughts and famines and a never-ending cycle of mundane daily acts of feeding, clothing, sheltering, and moving ever forward.
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